Wanted: Love, Sex and (maybe even) Magic

Times have changed. People have evolved and the more they have the less important it seems for most people to be in love. And yet why do people still insist on finding it? Even if we are all aware how elusive it can be. The other day I saw a mentally challenged (autistic) person on TV and out of the blue it hit me. Will this person ever get married? Does she even care if she doesn’t?
Compared to most ‘normal’ people, others who are afflicted with some kind of mental illness, physical incapacity, or emotional turmoil are the most who are in need of love. And yet, are they capable of loving the same way as everyone else does? On some level, they know if they love someone. They were taught what kind of feeling that is but for them it’s very simple. They care and show their affection in one way or another, and thus define it as love. No complications. No math. No rocket science. No fuzz. They say what they feel when they feel it. Whether or not it’s reciprocated, never bothered them. But for us who are considered ‘normal’, it’s as difficult to say, find, or even feel love as the proverbial needle on a haystack. We put so much pressure and thought to it that we’ve become incapable of defining what love is in its true value. We’ve become jaded. Not able to differentiate love from lust or affection from attraction. Are they luckier because they don’t understand or are we, because while we are capable of understanding, we often refuse to do so?

Throughout time, love has been defined and changed by different cultures, religion, beliefs and even science. Intrapersonal, interpersonal, platonic, physical, physiological, etc, etc and somehow with all these definitions it become more confusing. In our quest to give rhyme or reason to this feeling we end up failing to understand that love CANNOT be defined. There could only be poems written about it, movies created for it, music composed to express it and yet it remains vaguely familiar. Like a distant echo or a fleeting whisper, you know what it is but you just can’t seem to figure it out. Until it calls out to you again and again, little by little you begin to learn, you begin to understand. And even then, you still stumble from time to time.

Sex on the other hand is easier to define. It has no complications. Its two bodies intertwined, locked in a tight embrace and hopefully later rather than sooner, both reaches orgasm. And when it’s done, it’s done. You either produce something out of it or throw it away and get ready for the next. Simple, right? In the past, I’ve made the mistake of confusing sex with love or the other way around. I vowed never to make the same mistake again. It truly made me a better person, I think. Less drama in my life, less complications, less jerks to jerk around or less time to spend thinking what I’ve done wrong. By learning the ‘less’ of things, I have more.

In the whole gayness of my world, love is very difficult to find nowadays. Considering it’s a relatively small gay world we live in. The problem lies on the fact that gay guys like to share, even if the other partner doesn’t know it or want that set-up.
Every weekend or so, I usually go to my hangout in Malate. Not trying to find true love but to basically have a good time, which I fortunately have everytime I go there. Still, I couldn’t help but keep my fingers-crossed, eyes opened wide and be on the lookout. After all, one could never know when it will come. It usually catches you on your most unguarded moment and I, being the eternal vain gay that I am, would not want to be caught dead in all my un-fabulous-ness. I don’t want love to come one day and I would look like crap and he’d rather be looking elsewhere. Wouldn’t want to miss that chance now would I?

I am still very optimistic about the entire love thing. And even if I’m coming to my 2 year ‘singlehood’ anniversary, I have never given up hope. I may have had a lot of hit and miss but one day I just might hit the cherry. And by then I would probably hear bells, maybe even angels or even see fireworks. It might feel like magic. It might feel like something else. Whatever the case maybe, I’m ready to be hurt only to experience love again. So come, HURT ME! Hurt me bad --- If only to feel, if only to love once more. If only to have that ever so glorious ‘meltdown’ only to rise up and have the fantastic make-up sex after. Now who says, love, sex and yes, maybe even magic can’t all go together?


Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo